Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Stress....not a "joyful post" sorry....need to get it out.

Today is just turning out to be a bad day, I didn’t sleep much last night (again, which I am sure isn’t helping things at all) my lunch that I brought smells rotten and I had to throw it out. My hair needs to be colored and it looks like shit this morning, and I’m worried about my mom….

For those of you who have known my mother, she has always been sort of ill , she had a muscular condition called Fibromyalgia, it basically causes muscle and connective tissue to be inflamed, she usually manages it just fine, ( I actually inherited it, but they caught mine early so it really doesn’t effect me too much) But she had a slew of other health problems, she has diabetes, she takes insulin, she got into a nasty accident a few years ago and suffered nerve damage and is now dealing with nerve damage and lung problems (from the air bag) she has sarcardosis and pnuemonititis.

And to top it off she had breast cancer last year and is STILL recovering from that.

My mother is not healthy by any means, and both her and I have learned to deal with it the best we can. But it’s hard now that I am going to have a kid, I know she can’t be there as much as I will need her to be, and that she may not be able to watch a baby over night because it could be taxing, I feel bad that my mother in law will have most time with the baby due to distance and health reasons. It kills me.

I also hate the fact that my mother has been in pain most of her adult life and is always battling something. I could scream at the top of the mountains that it’s not fair, but what good would that do. I know my friend Mary knows EXACTLEY what I am going through, he mother is also not very healthy and she takes care of her, and always with a smile and she is so courageous and vibrant, Mary I don’t know how you do it sometimes. How you hold yourself together, because it is a very challenging task, my father works a lot because someone has to pay the bills (mom is on disability) so he can only do so much and I live 45 minutes away.

Yesterday was a good day, and when good days happen I feel blessed, she was happy and laughing, and telling me how she was able to get on the treadmill for 20 minutes yesterday and got a lot of stuff done.

Then I call her today and she sounded horrible, she pulled a muscle I her back, my dad is out of town, my grandma is at work, and my mom can’t drive when this muscle in her back acts up, she can barley walk, she usually has to go to the doctor and they have to give her a shot to release it.

I told her that I could leave work and take her, but she is refusing, she doesn’t want to inconvenience me because I work 45 minutes away form her, I told her that if she needed me I would be there. She wants to wait it out. So fine we wait……but it doesn’t keep me from being near tears here at my desk. I was up later than I wanted to be last night because I was doing a favor for my husband for his car club and burning a disk he told me about at the last minute, when I did get to bed I had heartburn then my back kept me up most of the night, I am the least selfish person in the world, but I have spent so much time taking care of everyone else this week, that I haven’t taken time to rest, and it’s eating away at me, and making it harder to deal with stuff like this……and it’s only wed.

I guess life is not fair and sometimes you just need to hunker down with those who love you the most and weather through it come what may. What else can we do??


shan said...

Heather, I'm so sorry! I wish there was something I could do to help. I hope your mom is okay and when you can, get some sleep and relaxation time in for yourself! :)

Heather said...

Thanks Shan, god knows I will try lol

Kristal said...

I'm sorry Heather. I know it can be hard to be going thur all the changes your going thur right now and yet you still want to be there for the people you love. I wish I had some encouraging words to give you. But I'm not suave like that. Just know (and I know that you do) that things will work out. I love ya girl! And I'm thinking about you!

Mary Elizabeth said...

I am just now catching up on your posts for the week. I am so sorry sweetie. I know it is rough but you are such a strong and beautiful daughter, Heather. Your Mom is very lucky to have you. I am always here for you no matter what.You have so much on your plate! Hang in there! =)