It's been a stressful few weeks, the accumulation of everything that is going on, (moms health,phones have been ringing off the hook at work on a constant daily basis,trying to get my freelance business moving, staying up late on work nights just to get stuff done for clients, balancing work, life, marriage then more work AND things I want to do) have once again cast me into a dark hole. Most times I can't get my brain to shut down long enough to rest. Not to mention the on coming change in seasons have rendered me frustrated and depressed.
Last night after staying up way too late doing invoices and project descriptions, I found my self standing in front of my medicine cabinet,staring at the collection of pills I have. Like my mother I am a medical pack rat of sorts, I live with a "don't pitch that medication because you may need it someday" I had had anger in my bones all day, I was in a horrible mood, literally felt like raw anger and unsettled energy was pulsating in my body, it was uncomfortable and unnerving.I wanted it to go away, just something to take the edge off, I had my choice of percoset, clonopin, l-triptophan supplements, Valium ect. I relented closed the cabinet and decided on a hot shower, I though I would sit down and start crying,I WANTED to cry, but no tears came. The only thing that I can compare it to is a burp that you really need to get out, but wont come out,so the pressure builds and builds in your chest wall, until your pretty sure your having chest pains. Cept this pain was in my veins, and a feeling of extreme sorrow in my heart. I say in there for 30 minutes until the water ran cold and it was light years past my bed time. I returned to the cabinet and ended up settling on a benadryl, just because I knew it would relax me enough to shut my mind off and go to sleep. I got into bed, the husband rolled over, no snuggles no hugs nothing, i laid on my pillow and cried until the benadryl did it's thing and drifted me off to sleep.
I cant say I woke up feeling any better. The joy of my morning was watching Hudson eat breakfast,looking at those cute little chubby cheeks move back and forth as he stuff peaches and cereal bar in his funny little face. he is my daily hero.
Nothing worth working for was ever acquired easily, and I do feel like I am working for the betterment of me....someday.....it's just going to take time, a little patience and alot pain.