My mother used to have this necklace that as far back as I can remember, she used to wear, it’s a small gold cross, my grandfather gave her on her first communion, along side a small emerald and diamond pendant, hanging from a very delicate gold chain. She was wearing the cross in her engagement picture and many other pictures until her passing. She always had it on, she showered with it on , slept with it on, it was a part of her. Even if she was wearing other jewelry she usually had this necklace on underneath, hanging right above her heart. When she passed and I was cleaning out her stuff, I packed up the delicate necklace because I couldn’t bear to even see it. I do wear one of her rings, it only fits on my pinky lol, and I occasionally look into her jewelry box that sits atop my dresser, and handle her rings and earrings, in an effort to feel close to her. But never bothered putting on the necklace. Recently, my life has been in a bit of turmoil, I have done something’s that I was not proud of, and hurt people I never really wanted to. I let some people down, I miss my mom, I am frustrated with my career, a whole slew of things. As this has been going on, I keep feeling her necklace “call to me” a feeling and pull to put it on, the more I ignored it, the louder the call got. My faith used to be and still is a big part of me, just a bit more subdued now that it used to be,I talk to God and Mom all the time, and based on the angel we saw the night mom died, I KNOW there is a higher power and seeing that angel just re-enforced it for me. I don’t want to say I have been “finding my way to god” but rather finding my way back in general to the faith that used to bring me peace. I do not go to church or participate in the sacrament, I believe in just “open faith”. In the point that I do not have to belong to a religion or church to have a relationship with God,he is all around and I can talk to him any time that I please. Last night on the way home from work I was asking him to help me fully realize my blessings and help get me on the right path. I felt a sense of calm wash over me, and the call once again from that necklace tucked inside a satin bag in my linen closet. I love my family, I love most of what my life has afforded me, and going through all of this has brought me closer to my faith,I know with that and help of my loved ones, I can move past this rough patch in my life. Last night while Hudson was in the tub, I pulled out the necklace, cleaned it off, polished it up, and put it on……
It’s going to be a good year from now on……
When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom Let it be
And when the brokenhearted people Living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted There is still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Yeah, there will be an answer let it be ( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/beatles-lyrics/let-it-be-lyrics.html )
Let it be, let it be Let it be, let it be Whisper words of wisdom Let it be
Let it be, let it be Let it be, yeah, let it be Whisper words of wisdom Let it be
And when the night is cloudy There is still a light that shines on me Shine on until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Yeah, let it be, let it be Let it be, yeah, let it be There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be Let it be, yeah, let it be Whisper words of wisdom Let it be
The above is one of my most favorite Smiths songs, and I have been listening to alot of Smiths lately, and as much as I love them, that usually is a sign heavy shit is going on in my life.
The past month has been brutal both emotionally and physically, both mu mother and my grandmother, began to go down hill. First Grandma has a mild stroke, the second one in her 90 some years. but is was bad enough to put her in rehab for a few days, and move her into my aunt Kathy's house permanently, which suffice to say, isn't going very well, because let's face it, how would you react if you were told you suddenly couldn't drive or live alone by yourself? I'm sure it's hard on her in more ways than one, as the days pass, she sleeps and sleeps more and more, and is forgetting more and more, we are all prepared to the inevitable, the question would just be how long and when? it's a reality I knew I would eventually have to face, we are lucky to have her as long as we did. Still that doesn't make it any easier.
Then a few weeks ago, as I was preparing for Hudson's first birthday, my mom called me the night before to tell me that she woke up "yellow" that morning, and went to the doctor, who assumed she may have hepatitis, she wouldn't be coming to Hudson's party, because she was afraid of being contagious. Well we could have only hoped that's what it was. on Saturday (the day of Hudsons Party) my mom was taken to the hospital by my father because he wasn't comfortable leaving her alone while he attended Hudson's party. So he took her, and a few hours later, showed up at Hudson's party with my grandmother and aunt.I missed my mom not being there but I knew it was for the best. Well....right when Hudson was getting into his cake for his birthday, my dad tapped me on the shoulder saying he needed to talk to me NOW. my mom was being rushed to Case Western University Medical Center for surgery because she had a blockage in her pancreas ( which was the reason she was turning yellow) Immediately I knew what that probably meant, ad i struggled to keep myself stable, and act like nothing was wrong, as my dad rushed from the party. I ended up talking to Friends later in the evening and throwing back too much tequila. Then passed out.
The next day I went up to the Hospital with dad to see mom, she looked terrible, weak and yellow, even the whites of her eyes. She really wasn't doing well, they were going to wait for test results to come back on her CT scan, and the next day they were going to do a biopsy of this mass on her pancreas.
Fast forward a week a painful waiting. Dad called me at work, they were pretty sure that mom had cancer of the pancreas, she has a mass about 1inch big sitting right on the top, it was squishing her bile duct causing her to be jaundiced. They were more than 90 percent sure it was cancer. I immediately broke down, set my phone on not ready and ran to the break room, to hyperventilate. All I remember typing into my phone was a mass text to family saying "it's malignant, oh god, I cant breathe". I was so upset they told me to go home from work, I went up to see mom immediately. I tried to hold back tears, and make things as light hearted as possible. I remember it was the day that Lindsay Lohan went to Jail, because I tried to joke with her that some good news DID happen today "Lindsay Lohan went to jail"
After I left her room, I went into the visitors room, and looked out the long floor to ceiling windows with white shutters on them, the view was breathtaking, sunset over Downtown Cleveland, I stood there staring, I tried to absorb the shock of the fact that I could very likely lose my best friend, the greatest grandmother to my wonderful child. This was too sudden too soon. It was almost too painful to even think about. I left in tears, came home and laid down on the bed with my husband and cried so hard I thought my head would burst.
She was in the hospital for two weeks, running test after test after test, the bypassed her bile duct to an external tube to drain her bile. Thankfully all other tests came back negative for cancer. So at least it hasn't spread. They are confident they can remove the tumor, but there is one small problem, my mom is so sick and weak they are not sure she will be able to make it through surgery, they want her to be home for a few weeks, rest up and build strenght and then they will discuss their game plan, Chemo, radiation, surgery? its all up in the air yet.
Mom got home Friday, I took Hudson over to see her today, my uncle is also in from Washington.Hudson cried when he saw her and i felt so terrible about it, but it's been at least a month and she is still a little yellow and has a breathing tube in her nose. I'm sure for a small child it was a bit frightening, all she wanted was to see him today, and she was happy he was there, but I'm almost sure that she cried when I left, because he didn't seem to remember her.
While I was at my parents today, My aunt stopped over and we all had a meeting about Grandma, who has gotten way worse the course of a month.leaving the stove on, falling asleep alot, turning the tv up full blast because she can't hear, becoming defiant and basically regressive, as we all do in our old age. Her memory has become horrible, finance's have disappeared or been burned through, it's just a mess, and where as my mother and my aunt where handling it together, now it is all falling on my aunt, and it's just really hard on her.
The fact is I could very well lose both my mom and my grandma in a close proximity of time, and I am not ready for that, I am afraid it would be a pain too entirely hard to bear. Were as we cannot do too much about grandma, we can help mom,by fighting with her, and we are trying to remain positive, but when we are all alone, we all break down. I am so mad, I want to blame someone for this, it would be so much easier this way, but there is no one to blame, illness is what it is, and it doesn't care about your plans, so you take it as it comes, with a sword by your side, and stand up to it.
On top of all of this, my job wrote me up for missing so much work due to this whole situation, am I mad? of course, shame on them, way to be such assholes in this rough time, pisses me off more than I can even say. but you know what, do what you want, fuck it, I got alot of of their shit to deal with.
I may be writing more because i think it will help me to work through this. I am up against something that is ten times bigger than I am, and honestly....I am scared to death.
The Smiths, -There is a light that never goes out.
