Thursday, February 11, 2010

Can we talk?


I am having a rough time as of late, my depression has snuck up on me yet again, it started obviously when I was 5 months pregnant, the doctor put me on 50 mg of Zoloft, to hopefully counteract the post partum depression that I would surely go through given my past history of depression. I started to feel ok, despite some natural mood swings after birth,, but then I was ok. Up until right now that is. The past three weeks it has gotten progressively worse, the tightness in my chest, the feeling that I cant breathe, the anxiety, the feeling over being way overwhelmed, guilt, sadness, you name it, I am a regular poopy party over here.

I have been trying to just sort of ignore it, hoping that maybe it was because I still don't get enough sleep, or the weather. But after I was sitting on the couch last night, holding Hudson while he slept, and crying my eyes out, telling him how I am so sorry I have to work full time, and that I hope he knows who I am , and that out of all the people he is handed off to in a day, that I am still his only mommy. Pretty much convinced that will forget that I am his mom.

Don't get me wrong, life has been no bowl of cherries to say the least. I barley make anything at all, and this past year I made even less thanks to an unpaid part of my maternity leave. My husbands business isn't doing real well, I have loads of debt, because I have to use credit cards to get us through to pay for Hudson's expensive formula, or diapers, because my check and his only stretches so far.

I have applied for a few new positions in my company, and am hoping that I get one of them , but who knows. i am taking on twice the work as I did before and essentially am getting paid less thanks to my skyrocketing health insurance this year (went up and extra 100 a month) and my stupid Federal taxes that jumped 60 dollars and month. pretty much leaves me two hundred dollars short each month.

It;s cold out, windy , grey and snowy. No fun there.

I feel horrible and guilty that I cant be at home with my baby more,then when I am home , nothing gets done because I want to spend ever waking moment with him.

I haven't done many crafts lately, because by the time I put him to bed, I am so exhausted, I usually fall asleep in the bathtub while I am trying to relax.

I need to go to the doctor on sat, and have blood drawn for a Cholesterol and Lipid panel check, the Doctor is also concerned that my father had a heart attack at age 36. And with me being 31 now, he wants to test me for HS CRP a heart disease protein,so you KNOW I am freaking out about those results.

He said I need to lose 20 pounds because my blood pressure is up,so that I need to do more cardio. but I have NO IDEA how the hell I am going to fit THAT in...............sigh

I need an outlet. Maybe I do need cardio, but with the weather so shitty around here, I have no were to go! And I don't have time for a gym, I need an elliptical or treadmill in my house. But then when would I use it.

Having absolutely NO MONEY is certainly not helping, that means no money for crafts, or to get my hair trimmed (which btw it is in DESPERATE NEED) or to even get a damn coffee on Friday mornings from McDonald's, or the vitamins I need to take, NOTHING.

I know, ....I need to just breathe and try to relax, worrying will get me no where.

It just seems that I cannot keep up with my life,there is too much going on and I cant do it all. And that in and of its self hurts.

Hopefully the doctor calls me back this afternoon, and increases my meds. because I am reaching a breaking point.

Much Love


Mrs Munster said...

So sorry to hear you are having rough time. Mother's guilt is a terrible thing and feeling depressed doesn't help at all. You boy is going to know his mummy and not remember that you might have not been around in these early years as much as you wanted. I wouldn't worry not getting much done around the house (this is wot time telling myself). Just enjoy your lil man. Hope you are feeling better soon1

Brook said...

wow... you have a lot on your plate. its so unfortunate that so many people are in the same boat as you!! I hope everything works out for the best.

Heather said...

Thanks gals! I will keep trying

Kristal said...

Hudson knows now and always will who his mommy is.... he loves you and bill more than anyone else in the world! I'm sorry your having such a tough time. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!

Mary Elizabeth said...

Oh sweetie. I am so sorry you are having a rough time. You are such an amazing woman! This too shall pass. Hudson knows he has the best Mommy ever. If you ever need to talk about anything, I am here for you. I wish I could hug you right now. Hang in there hot stuff. I understand some of your feelings. I do. Let us know what the Doc says. Love you! =)