Drama

ok so here it is, a rare "normal blog post" from me, nothing about shopping or clothes or music or anything of that sort, things have been rough the past few weeks. and I sort of just need a space to dump it all. So i write this handy post, then it will be out of my system ,promise.

Financially this year has been hard, with me not getting paid for part of my leave, and our business not doing real well thanks to the economy, we have been scratching literally to get by. Most of Hudsons formula is put on a credit card because guess what? I can't afford 80 bucks a week (yes you red that right) on my salary! but I have to do it, because he needs to eat. but it's times like this that I really wish the whole breastfeeding thing worked out.!!!!

Christmas will be slim this year, and what we do have will be put also on credit, we mainly took care of the little man this year, but I also got a few small things for my parents and my hubby.
At least we will all be together....In the magic of the season.

But my parents.....well that's another story, my mother has had a host of health problems since pretty much her forties, after a major car accident when she was 43, she developed Fibromayalgia, a muscle condition that can cause great pain for no reason, she has dealt with it with a smile on her face for years and years, at 60 she got into another horrible car accident causing severe nerve damage and putting her in the hospital for weeks, she lost full control of her right arm, plus the accident aggravated the fibromayalgia, rendering her sometimes incapable of moving, and on a good day, barley moving, then the following year she got breast cancer, localized, it didn't spread, it was removed and she endured 6 weeks of radiation. She has always had severe depression (which I have also inherited a knack for with the fibromayaglia, but not nearly as bad as hers,they caught mine early)now made worse by the tamoxifen she is taking for the next 5 years ( thankfully they are trying to work that out) she has lung damage from the airbag hitting her so hard, (sarcardosis) ...sigh,.... it's very hard to watch, she is on disability and most of the time keeps a positive attitude, but then there are those horrible days she calls me in tears and I am scared for her, scared to death, thankfully my father is usually home with her. But its even wearing on him, and that causes other issues, all I have ever wanted was for my mother to feel healthy to feel good, all I have ever wanted to give her is a new body. And it's painful as hell not being able to help at all.the only real joy in her world is Hudson, and now she has developed a serious injury in her knee and cannot come to babysit him every wed, like she used to, this really doesn't sit well with her, because one, we live at least 45 minutes away and she barely see's him and two he is her only distraction. So i am trying to take him out on Sundays to her house, to ease that pain until she has knee surgery hopefully in Feb. or March.

this just all weights on me heavily, and around the holidays it's especially hard,then I go home and my husband may be stressed out and short fused about money issues, some days I feel like my world is falling in on me, the only one holding it up is my sweet baby boy, that smile....I tell you what....can pull me out of the deepest funk.

as my parents age, I am becoming more conscious about my own health, there is heart disease on my dads side,cancer on my mothers and diabetes in both. I KNOW I don't take great care of myself. I know I barley exercise, that my cholesterol is probably ridiculous, that I eat too much sugar, don't sleep enough (cant really do anything about that) don't eat well enough and need more vitamins, I want to get healthy now that I am in my 30's, but I am so tired that I never am able to stick to anything, I want to go to the gym after work but I miss my baby so much it kills me, but dammit! I KNOW the risks of not taking care of my self, I know this, so why cant I just do it? Why cant i stick to a diet, keep out of the sugar, and move more? it's frustrating, I attribute alot of it to lack of sleep and hormones.What cant I remember to sit up straight? push my shoulders back, take a freaking vitamin everyday.Some times I feel like giving up, but then I remember that I need to get healthy for my son, he deserves the world and I want to give it to him.

Don't get me wrong despite all of it's issues my life is pretty good, and I do love it, but I don't handle stress very well, and this time of year isnt helping. I love Christmas, i just wish I could enjoy it more........vent over.......