Today I am officially 37 weeks, and i am in so much pain I can barely sit, yet i made it up the stairs and to the computer because I have so much pent up anger to release and frustration.
I am tired of the pain wich is now like lightening bolts shooting down both legs, tired of my crutches and my inability to walk, and tired of what feels like a tug o war with my doctor, whom i don't feel takes any of my pain seriously.
I went ot the Chriopracter for the last time yesterday,she is the only one who seems to understand the amount of pain I am in. Geeting there put me into tears, getting down the front stairs was horrendous and having my husband get me inthe car was more work than I wanted to put on him. we finally got there and as she adjusted me I told her that my doctor agreed to do a c-section, it was good to hear that the chiropracter agreed with me on it. She feels that because of my pain, I would be too weak to push the baby out when the time comes. I toldher of my frustration with my doctor, and she agreed that she probably doesnt know the level of my pain because she is a young doctor and really hasnt had much experience yet with people like me, but the chiropracter has seen lots of pregnant women in her ten years with my condition. so at least that made me feel like I wasn't going crazy.
But the pain gets so much more worse every day, that I just don't know how I am going to manage even though I see and end in sight. Every day there is something else that I cannot do, last ngiht I realized I am no longer able to get in and out of the shower or the tub,meaing I have to resort to washing my hair in the sink and taking a shower there also. And shaving my legs? FUGGEDABOUDIT
I barely make it up and down the upstiars stairwell, and have permenetley restricted myself form the basement stairs wich are steeper and even harder to navigate.
There must be 80 times a day that I feel like snapping at any person who calls or comes over, even my poor husband is feeling the brunt of it. I collapse in a pile of excrutiating pain and tears at least 3 times a day.
I have a doctors appt on wed, my final office visit, until my c-section. I dont want her to do an internal because it hurt so bad last time, Ijust don't want to do it again, and she is not gentle with the way she rams her hand up there, I could have kicked her inthe face the last time, but fortunatley my back won't let my leg move inthe direction.
I don't even see the point of her checking my cervix for dialtion now that I know I am doing a c section, and I am half tempted to tell her I want to refuse the exam.
I am so miserable and scared and bored and restless, and angry wiht people who dont understand and could never possibly understand this level of pain.
Even as I write this it is hard to concentrate because the pain is just continual.
I cannot say the next time that I will update, sitting here is now alost impossible and I am so damn tierd. So if I dont write again, forgive me, but I will write when he is born and things even out a bit.