Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Up and Down Round and Round

Life has been a whirlwind of crazy at best, Life without my mother is still hard, the pain still burns me, It might take something small to send me into a fit of tears, a smell of her perfume, a tv show she used to like, it as in the case of last night, the last picture of her and I together. It sucks breaking down without warning, but it’s essential and necessary.
I often ask myself questions about her death.

Did she give up and purposely contract pneumonia because she just wanted it to all be over?
When she died and she went to heaven, did she look down and go
“well shit that sucks, didn’t really want THAT to happen”

Does she wish I really would have just come to see her the day she died and she told me that she was fine and not to bother seeing her?

These are questions as wacky as they may be play on my mind in endless patterns..

I know I will never get those answers from her, and I am surrounded by her beloved things and of course the note that she left me.

But sometimes in the quietest times, when I am all alone, it’s hard believe that she is gone.That I can’t just pick up the phone at 10 am and call her like I have every single day for years, and hear her voice on the other end going “hi punky!” or her asking “hows my sweetie pie?” (Hudson)

On the up side, my Logo design business seems to be gaining momentum, I have got requests coming in steady , so much so that I need to get my butt going on biz cards, I already have my logo sketches done and am working on getting those printed. Then I will probably open up a small shop on esty. Doing these things brings me great joy,and keeps me sane at my day job. It gives me hope that one day I will do what I love and never really WORK again.
Isn't that the dream of everyone?

1 comment:

Mrs Munster said...

Cannot wait for your etsy shop!
I think your thoughts of your mum and her passing away are very normal. I hope withi time the pain gets less and you'll just be left will all the lovely memories of your mum!