To be a mother....

Sorry this has taken so long to post, I have to write a little bit each time that I have a chance, wich latley hasn't been alot lol, as you can understand, my life now revolves around bottles and diaper changes, cries and baby kisses. and of course not alot of sleep.

here is the story of Hudsons birth.

on Friday the 17th of July I awoke early, made my husband breakfast and we headed to the hospital for our scheduled section. I was so scared the entire drive there, but at the same time I was so compleltely ready to get it over with and meet my little man. Once we got there and got into the prep room, I got out of the wheelchair and compleltely broke down in tears, the pain in my back was so bad I couldn't walk even to the bathroom, even with the assistance of both nurses AND my husband, I wrapped my arms around my husband and cried as he held me and told me it would be over soon.

The nurses came in , hooked up my IV and then the Nurse Athesist,came in and explained everything to me, right off the bat I felt very comfortable with her, wich is a good thing considering she was going to be sticking a huge needle in my spine in a short matter of time.

They had Bill get dressed in his scrubs,and as I was being wheeled off to the OR, I think my sugar may have dropped and I got extremely anxious and fidgety and uncomfortable, it was a horrible feeling, almost like I wanted to jump out of the bed and run, I think it was a mix of fear anxiety and exhaustion, anyways, it was definitaley the worst part.

The OR was freezing,, they had me sit down on the table, wich hurt my back tremendoulsy. I sat straight up with a pillow infront of me , buring my face in the nurses shoulder, as they inserted the numbing agent then the spinal medicine, I began to feel alot of uncomfrotable pressure and stinging, but I just closed my eyes tight and used my yoga breathing to make it through. Then as soon as they said to me "ok your legs will feel warm them numb" my legs did indeed go warm

then numb, almost immediatley, and all that pain that I had in my hips and back for weeks, was gone, iwas relaxed and laid back for the procedure. it is entirley wierd to lay there, not being able to see what it goingon behind the blue sheet, KNOWING that they are cutting you open, hearing the sound of surgical instruments clanging togethor and smelling your burnt skin as the coterize your incision.Bill finally popped in and held my hand, by this pint I was in sort of a daze, they had out morphine into my IV and I was really sleepy.But I heard the radio playing, my doctor talking, the anthestisioligst, asking me if the nursery was done yet, and what were the colors, i answered back :yellow and blue" in a very slurred speech. Then wondered why she asked me that question so suddnely, what was going on behind the blue sheet? What was she trying to devert my focus from? Then I heard my doctor mention that I would be feeling alot of pressure as they tired to push the baby out from my abdomen, but he wouldnt budge, she mentioned that he was logded in my left hip area, wich makes PERFECT sense as to why that side of my back was so messed up for so long, his little head was stuck in there, finally after three nurses pushing on my , he popped out, and was born at 12:22 pm july 17. Approxomatley 6lbs 10 ounces and 19 inches long. Big baby my ass!!! He was a peanut! As they pulled himout I swear i heard my body go "ahhhhhhhh" as though it made a huge sigh of relief.

In short, he is the most perfect loveable little man I have ever laid my eyes on.

He is now almost two months old, is starting to focus intently on things, and smiles at us when we make funny noises or faces. he did for a period have colic, but we found it was linked to a milk allergy. So we put him ont he super mega expensive formula "liquid gold" i call it, because shit at 25 dollars for 12 ounces it might at well be gold, and it is just as valuable, our little guy is WAY happier, and so is his lil tummy. And if any of you have children with colic take this advice BUY GRIPE WATER!!!!! IT WORKS WONDERS!!!!I will update more soon, but this was just an overall "hey there" and to let everyone one know how it all went. Time as you can imgine is limited, when I get back towork I may have more time to update on my lunch breaks. And honestly i am looking forward to that. I have so much more to talk about, breastfedding, emotions,life in general. It'll be good. Well motherhood is now calling at the top of it's little lungs fromt he livingroom, so I need togo, but below are some new picks!!The first week home, look at how tired I look!!

About two weeks ago, with his girlfriend Delany, he doesn't know it yet, but thier getting married....somedayTaken last week, in his bath wich he LOVES!!!!!Tajen a few days ago, he LOVES to stare at the cieling fan!!

Announcing.....

The arrival of Hudson William......

more photos to come, and story, right nowI am just still trying to wrap my head around it all!

The final word

well...here I sit, 9 long tumultuous months, ( not ALL bad) coming to an end right before my eyes, some of you will even read this while I am in surgery.

Sitting here tonight with all the time inthe world to think, I am petrified, I haven't had major surgery since I had my tonsils removed at 5 years old!

But then a certain calm comes over me, maybe it's because I know I wont see my crutches again (hopefully) of mabye its the notion that this little being that is currently squashed in my midsection, will have a little face that I will be able to see tommorrow, and little eyes, that will stare back at me in confusion, while Bill and i stare in wonderment.

I know I may throw up, I know I will most likley be in some sort of pain, that it will be scary to think of being sliced open. But at the same time it is all so well worth it, and maybe even this whole horrible journey will be worth it. ( not to say that I am up to doing this again anytime soon if ever lol)

I am proud of my body for what it has accomplished, given my years of minor helath issues, I have always had a part negetive view of my bodys functions, I felt it really let me down a few times, but as of recent, those thoughts have diminished, my body put aside all of it's angst and issues, and did a phenominal job of creating a human living being. And I am very proud of my body for that, I will wear my stretch makrs and C-Section scar like a badge of honor. I worked for this, I fought for this. And baby Hudson will be my reward. Hello motherhood, here I come full force.

no doubt the last post

Ok so this will probably be the last post until my delivery, mainly because I am in alot of pain both contraction wise and hip wise.

In short, I went to the doctor today, squeezed my mothers hand and breathed while the doctor shoved her hand unmercifully up there, yeah hurt like hell again, but I AM DILATED!!!! Whoo hooo! ! 1 Centemeter! Hey I will take it! She also said that the babys head is "right there" and feels I could very well go into labor before my scheduled c section date on the 17th.

I will not be able to have the c section at the hospital that I really want to because she couldnt squeeze me in,so instead I have to go to the highrisk hospital , i am not really happy about that,but figure, I will have to just suck it up.

If I should go into labor anytime before that date, then I can deliver at the hospital that I want to. and GOD I HOPE THAT HAPPENS lol.

My mom came over and put down trash bag on my couch cushions in case my water breaks. and the hubby has everything all ready to go. So here is to hoping this ends soon!

Here are some pregnancy pics that the hubby recently took!

The flower in my hair was made by Rascal!

Hot Rod girls way of inducing labor!
You just don't mess with a pregnant lady on crutches.

Surprises at my door!!!

When I awoke today from my afternoon nap, I found two packakges at my front door!

Check it out!

From my friend JC in Boston! Wee lil vans shoes, a punk onsie and some really kewl books! Thanx JC!!!!

From the lovely Rascal , her handmade hairflowers for my car show outings, and a fan from spain!she also made these for me! too cute!
and a t-shirt for the little one! Thanx Rascal!!

I love getting packages form friends, it really brightens my day, thankx gals!!!!!!

A bit better today

My wonderful husband surprised me with breakfast today! he made coffee, eggs with cheese and green pepper, and hot dogs (yes I said hot dogs) on the grill lol. Plus a big bowl of fresh cut up cantaloupe lol. it was sooooooo nice, considering all I really eat for breakfast is a bowl of cereal and a hard boiled egg. It really brightened my day.

We had some people over for the fourth of July last night, and although I wasn't intitally looking forward to having company over at all, I have to say I did quite well and it was nice to get out of the house , sit by the fire and visit with friends, got my mind off of the pain. and my neighbors Doug and Dani stopped over with their 9 month old baby Delaney, her and i blew raspberries back and forth for awhile, she is such a happy child, love her!

Dani brought over a gift for the baby, a sleep sack, a teether ring, a Police rubber ducky that tells you how hot the bath water is, and this way cool ceiling projection machine that plays rain or heartbeat sounds to help baby fall asleep. You know i am going to be playing with THAT thing today lol.
She was also kind enough to donate a baby food organizer a "Pooh Bear" Snow suit, Diapers and three or four small size bottles lol. I am just amazed at how generous people are when you are pregnant lol. it was so nice of her. After she left, me my brother in law my in laws, my husband and our friend John, sat by the fire and then watched the fire works, wich you could see perfectly from our back yard.

After everyone left, Bill and I enjoyed some quality time alone which was so nice, and then we crashed out about 1130 pm.

Oh Note to sister Dee "John asked when you were coming over and said congrats on the upcoming adoption :) "

Today I am hoping that I can get Bill to take some pregnancy photos, considering we dont have much time left and I actually got dressed and did my hair today lol. Hope fully I will be able to post those soon.

I have had alot of thinking to do lately (wich is all I have had time to day anyway). about getting my tubes tied, my mother first mentioned it, then my friend Julia mentioned it, and I never really thought about it until they said it ( funny right because you would think I would have thought about it sooner) considering my pregnancy has been so bad and any subsequent ones would most likely be just as horrible. but I don't know, its almost too permanent for em right now ya know? And they say you shouldn't make these decisions under stress, (which I am definitely under) while it WOULD be easy to just do it while they have me open, I don't think Bill and i are ready for it, I asked him last night and at first he said he would understand if I wanted to go that route, but I could tell that he wasn't completely sure, there are just too many variables right now, and it's one of those decisions I have to be SURE about. So for now we will let it rest I suppose.

Speaking of rest, I am going to go lay down and read for a bit, then maybe venture out on the porch to go read the Sunday paper in the sun.

37 Weeks, full term and fully fed up

Today I am officially 37 weeks, and i am in so much pain I can barely sit, yet i made it up the stairs and to the computer because I have so much pent up anger to release and frustration.

I am tired of the pain wich is now like lightening bolts shooting down both legs, tired of my crutches and my inability to walk, and tired of what feels like a tug o war with my doctor, whom i don't feel takes any of my pain seriously.

I went ot the Chriopracter for the last time yesterday,she is the only one who seems to understand the amount of pain I am in. Geeting there put me into tears, getting down the front stairs was horrendous and having my husband get me inthe car was more work than I wanted to put on him. we finally got there and as she adjusted me I told her that my doctor agreed to do a c-section, it was good to hear that the chiropracter agreed with me on it. She feels that because of my pain, I would be too weak to push the baby out when the time comes. I toldher of my frustration with my doctor, and she agreed that she probably doesnt know the level of my pain because she is a young doctor and really hasnt had much experience yet with people like me, but the chiropracter has seen lots of pregnant women in her ten years with my condition. so at least that made me feel like I wasn't going crazy.

But the pain gets so much more worse every day, that I just don't know how I am going to manage even though I see and end in sight. Every day there is something else that I cannot do, last ngiht I realized I am no longer able to get in and out of the shower or the tub,meaing I have to resort to washing my hair in the sink and taking a shower there also. And shaving my legs? FUGGEDABOUDIT

I barely make it up and down the upstiars stairwell, and have permenetley restricted myself form the basement stairs wich are steeper and even harder to navigate.

There must be 80 times a day that I feel like snapping at any person who calls or comes over, even my poor husband is feeling the brunt of it. I collapse in a pile of excrutiating pain and tears at least 3 times a day.

I have a doctors appt on wed, my final office visit, until my c-section. I dont want her to do an internal because it hurt so bad last time, Ijust don't want to do it again, and she is not gentle with the way she rams her hand up there, I could have kicked her inthe face the last time, but fortunatley my back won't let my leg move inthe direction.
I don't even see the point of her checking my cervix for dialtion now that I know I am doing a c section, and I am half tempted to tell her I want to refuse the exam.

I am so miserable and scared and bored and restless, and angry wiht people who dont understand and could never possibly understand this level of pain.

Even as I write this it is hard to concentrate because the pain is just continual.

I cannot say the next time that I will update, sitting here is now alost impossible and I am so damn tierd. So if I dont write again, forgive me, but I will write when he is born and things even out a bit.